Bisi and the bathroom drawer: a story about waiting well

Bisi had a drawer in the bathroom that her husband didn't open. It held twelve pregnancy tests, bought in bulk online, and a box of ovulation strips. She knew exactly how many were left at any moment.

For the past year, the second half of every cycle had followed the same pattern. On day 7 after ovulation, she would tell herself she wouldn't test. On day 8, she would test “just to see”. Every morning after that, another test. Another squint at the window under the bathroom light. Another photograph on her phone, held up against the window, then edited for contrast.

And every month, the same answer.

The morning things changed

One Tuesday, eight days after ovulation, Bisi sat on the bathroom floor holding yet another negative test. She was late for work. Her eyes hurt from staring. And she realised, quietly, that she could not remember the last time she had enjoyed the second half of her cycle. Two weeks out of every four, for a whole year, had been spent waiting, staring and searching.

She thought of the verse her grandmother had written on a card for her wedding. She found it later that evening:

“Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.” (Psalm 37:7, KJV)

Fret not thyself. She had been fretting for a year. And fretting had not changed a single result.

The new plan

Bisi didn't throw away the tests. That felt too dramatic. But she made some changes, one by one.

1. She moved the drawer. The tests went into a box on top of the wardrobe, where she would have to fetch a chair to reach them. It sounds silly, but that small barrier helped.
2. She chose a test day. She decided to test only if her period was a day late. She wrote the date in her diary with a small cross.
3. She told her husband. Tunde had noticed her stress but never known about the daily testing. When she told him, he didn't laugh. He said, “Can I help you keep to your plan?” Each morning he gave her a hug and asked, “What are we doing today?” to steer her thoughts elsewhere.
4. She deleted the forum app from her phone for two weeks.
5. She filled the evenings. She started a sewing project she had abandoned years ago, and joined a weekly choir practice at church.
6. She prayed the same short prayer every time she felt the urge to test: “Lord, You know already. I can wait.”

Was it easy?

No. On day 10, she stood under the wardrobe for a full minute before walking away. On day 12, she cried in the car after a colleague mentioned her sister's baby. But she noticed that she slept better. She noticed that she laughed at choir. She noticed that she and Tunde talked about other things again.

On the day she had marked in her diary, her period came. It still hurt. She still cried. But she said afterwards that it hurt differently. “I hadn't spent two weeks being torn up by it first. I had actually lived those two weeks.”

Someone keeps watch

One of the verses that helped Bisi most during those nights was this one:

“He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.” (Psalm 121:3-4, KJV)

She realised she had been trying to keep watch over her own body every hour of the day. But God was already keeping watch, and He never sleeps. She could rest because He wouldn't.

What Bisi would tell you

• You don't have to stop hoping to stop fretting.
• Make one small barrier between you and the test, and choose a test day.
• Tell someone what you are doing, so you are not alone with it.
• Fill your evenings with something that has nothing to do with trying to conceive.
• If the waiting is causing constant anxiety or low mood, talk to your doctor or a counsellor.

Bisi is still on her journey. She still has days when the wardrobe feels very close. But she has learned that waiting well is possible, not by trying harder, but by resting in the One who keeps watch.

A prayer for a fretful heart

Lord, I confess that I have been fretting and keeping watch over every sign. Thank You that You never slumber or sleep. Help me to rest in You and wait patiently, living fully in these days while You keep watch over me. Amen.