When your baby will not settle: gentle ways to soothe them to sleep

It is the third time tonight. You have fed, changed and winded your baby. You have rocked until your arms ache and walked the same path across the bedroom floor so many times you could do it blindfolded. Each time you lean over the cot to lay them down, their eyes snap open and the crying starts again. You are not doing anything wrong. Some nights are like this, and some babies need more help than others to drift off.

Here are gentle ways to help, and how to look after yourself when it feels like too much.

First, run through the basics

• Hungry? Young babies need frequent feeds, and growth spurts can bring extra hunger.
• Wet or dirty nappy? A quick check can save a lot of guessing.
• Too hot or too cold? Feel the back of the neck or the tummy.
• Wind? Hold them upright against your shoulder and rub their back.
• Overtired or overstimulated? A busy day can make it harder to settle, not easier.
• Unwell? Check for fever, rash, breathing changes or a cry that sounds different.

Gentle settling ideas

Different babies respond to different things. Try one approach calmly for a few minutes before switching.

• Shush and pat. With your baby on their back in the cot, make a steady shushing sound near them and pat their tummy or the mattress beside them in a slow, even rhythm.
• A still hand. Rest a warm hand gently on their chest or tummy. Your touch says you are here.
• Rocking and swaying. Hold your baby close and sway slowly, then lay them down when they are calm and drowsy.
• Pick up, put down. If they cry, pick them up and comfort them until calm, then lay them back down. Repeat as needed. It can take many rounds, and that is okay.
• Steady background sound. Some babies settle to a quiet, steady sound, such as a fan or soft white noise kept at a low volume and placed away from the cot.
• Feeding to sleep. For young babies, falling asleep at the breast or bottle is natural and normal. You are not creating a bad habit.

You cannot spoil a young baby by responding to them. Comfort teaches them that the world is safe and that someone comes. As your baby gets older, often in the second half of the first year, you may choose to give them gradually more chances to settle themselves, perhaps sitting beside the cot and moving a little further away over several nights. If you are thinking about any sleep training method, talk it through with your health visitor first; more structured approaches are generally not recommended for young babies.

Whatever you do, keep sleep safe

Once your baby is asleep, lay them on their back in a clear cot. If you are holding them or using a sling to settle them, move them to the cot before there is any chance you might fall asleep yourself, and never doze off with your baby on a sofa or armchair.

When the crying is too much

Long spells of crying can push any loving parent to the edge. If you feel angry, desperate or overwhelmed:

1. Lay your baby down safely on their back in their cot.
2. Leave the room and close the door for a few minutes.
3. Breathe slowly, drink some water, and pray a single sentence if that is all you can manage.
4. Call someone: your partner, a friend, a family member or your health visitor.
5. Go back when you feel calmer.

Never shake a baby. Shaking can cause serious, lifelong harm. Make sure everyone who cares for your baby knows this too.

Seek medical advice if your baby's crying sounds unusual, high-pitched or weak, if they will not feed, have a fever or seem floppy, or if you feel something is wrong.

Comforted so you can comfort

God describes His love for His people with an image every parent knows: “As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem” (Isaiah 66:13). While you are comforting your baby, God is comforting you. And the psalmist pictures a quiet soul as a little child resting calmly with its mother (see Psalm 131:2). One day your baby will rest like that against you, and even tonight you can rest like that in God.

A prayer at 3am

Father, comfort me as a mother comforts her child. Quiet my baby's cries and settle their little body into sleep. When I am tired and frayed, give me patience, and send help when I need it. Amen.