A letter to the mum planning her return to work

Dear mum with the calendar open,

I see you, counting weeks on your fingers and doing sums in your head. Maybe you are eager to go back: you love your work, you miss adult conversation, and you are ready. Maybe you are dreading it and would stay home if you could. Maybe, most likely, you feel both on the same day. Whatever you feel, you are not a better or worse mother for it. Here is a gentle plan to help the return go a little more smoothly.

Start with the conversations

Several weeks before your return date, if you can:

• Talk to your employer. Ask about your return date, hours, any flexible working options, and space and time to express breast milk if you need it. Rights vary between countries and workplaces, so check your contract, HR team or local employment rules.
• Talk at home. If you have a husband or partner, sit down together and plan who does the morning drop-off, the evening pick-up, the night feeds and the sick days. Write it down. Shared plans prevent silent resentment.
• Talk to your support network. Grandparents, siblings, friends or church family may be able to offer a regular day or be the back-up for emergencies.

Choosing childcare

Whether you are considering a nursery, a childminder, a nanny or a relative, look for:

• A warm, consistent person your baby can attach to
• Safe sleep practices: babies placed on their backs in a clear cot
• Clean, safe spaces and a clear plan for feeding, nappies and naps
• Appropriate registration or checks where your country requires them
• Willingness to follow your baby's routine and talk with you daily

Visit more than once, at different times of day if possible. Trust what you notice.

Settling in gradually

Build in settling-in sessions a week or two before you start work. Begin with an hour with you there, then a short time without you, then longer. Even with a relative, a gradual start helps everyone learn your baby's cues. Leave a muslin or item that smells of you.

When you say goodbye, keep it short and warm. Do not sneak away. Your baby may cry, and it may break your heart, but most babies settle soon after. Ask your carer to send you a quick update.

Planning feeds

If you are breastfeeding and want to continue, you have options: expressing milk at work, feeding before and after work, or combining breast milk and formula. Start practising with a bottle or cup a few weeks before, ideally offered by someone other than you. Ask your health visitor or a breastfeeding supporter about expressing, storing and transporting breast milk safely. If you are formula feeding, make sure your carer knows how to prepare feeds exactly as instructed.

If your return falls around six months, your baby may also be starting solid foods. Write down what your baby has tried so your carer can continue in the same way.

Making the first weeks easier

• Do a trial run of the morning routine before day one.
• Prepare bags, bottles and clothes the night before.
• If possible, start mid-week so the first week is short.
• Expect your baby to pick up more coughs and colds at first. Have a back-up plan for sick days.
• Protect the first hour after pick-up for reconnection: a feed, a cuddle, a bath. The house can wait.

About the guilt

Many mothers feel guilt whichever choice they make. Notice it, name it, and then ask whether it is telling you the truth. Your baby needs a loving, safe, consistent relationship with you, and that can absolutely continue when you work. If guilt turns into constant anxiety, low mood or sleeplessness, please talk to your doctor or health visitor.

Paul wrote words that fit the night before a big change:

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7, KJV)

Bring God every detail: the childcare, the commute, the meeting you are nervous about, the feeds, the tears at the door. His peace is able to guard your heart, and your baby's, in the hours you are apart.

With love, from one mother to another.

A prayer for going back

Lord, I am stepping into a new rhythm and I need Your peace. Bless the people who will care for my baby. Help me work well and love well, and give me grace for the hard mornings. Keep my child safe, and keep my heart in Your hands. Amen.