What I wish you knew: two letters between a husband and wife who are waiting

Sometimes the things we most need to say are the hardest to say out loud. The two letters below are not from real people. They are written from the many things wives and husbands have shared about this season. Read them together, if you can, and then try writing your own.

A letter from her

My love,

I know you are tired of seeing me cry. I'm tired of it too. I want you to know that when I'm sad, I'm not asking you to fix anything. I just need you to sit with me. When you hold me without saying much, it helps more than you know.

I wish you knew how much I think about this. Not just on test days, but every day. When I see a pregnant woman in the supermarket. When a friend posts a scan photo. When your mum asks me about grandchildren. It is always there, like a stone in my shoe.

I wish you knew that I'm scared. Scared it's my fault. Scared that you will be disappointed in me. Scared that we will never hold our baby. I don't always say it, because I don't want to burden you.

And I wish you knew how much I love you. Even on the days I'm short-tempered or distant, I'm so grateful you're on this road with me. I don't want this longing to swallow up our marriage. I want us to laugh again, to go on silly dates, to remember that we're more than this.

Thank you for staying. I see it.

Your wife

A letter from him

My darling,

I wish you knew that I'm sad too. I don't cry like you, and sometimes I go quiet or keep busy. That's not because I don't care. It's because I don't know what to do with the feeling, and I don't want to make things harder for you by falling apart.

I wish you knew how helpless I feel. I want to protect you, and I can't protect you from this. When you cry, I feel like I've failed. I know that isn't true, but it's how it feels.

I wish you knew that it isn't your fault. I don't blame you, not for a second. I'm worried about my part in this too. I'm scared of my test results and what they might say.

I wish you knew that sometimes the timing and the tests make it hard for me to feel close to you. I miss when it was just about us. I want that back.

And I wish you knew that I'm not going anywhere. Whatever happens, baby or no baby, you are my wife and my best friend. I chose you, and I would choose you again.

Your husband

Now write your own

Set aside half an hour, separately. Write a letter to each other using some of these prompts:

• “I wish you knew…”
• “The hardest part for me is…”
• “What helps me most is…”
• “I'm afraid that…”
• “I'm grateful for you because…”
• “One thing I'd love us to do together is…”

Then swap letters and read them quietly. Afterwards, share one thing that surprised or moved you. Resist the urge to defend yourself or correct anything. Just receive.

Why letters can help

Writing slows us down. It lets the quieter partner find words, and it lets the more expressive partner say what they mean without the conversation turning into a debate. Letters can also be kept and re-read on harder days.

Patient love

Paul encouraged believers to live “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). Longsuffering is an old word for patience that endures. Forbearing means making room for each other's weaknesses. In a long season of waiting, this is exactly the kind of love a marriage needs: humble, gentle, patient and generous with each other's imperfections.

If writing these letters brings up pain you cannot resolve on your own, consider sharing them with a counsellor or pastor you both trust.

A prayer after reading

Lord, thank You for the person You have given me. Help me to understand their heart and to love them patiently. Where we have hurt each other, bring healing. Where we feel alone, draw us close. Amen.