Feeding a toddler who will not eat what you cook

You spent forty minutes making a lovely stew. Your toddler looked at it, pushed it away, and asked for bread. Yesterday they ate three bowls of rice; today, two spoonfuls. Feeding a toddler can feel like a puzzle with pieces that change shape every day. The good news is that unpredictable eating is very normal at this age, and some simple habits can make mealtimes calmer for everyone.

Why toddlers eat so differently

After the rapid growth of the first year, growth slows in the second. Many toddlers' appetites become more variable, and big meals one day may be followed by very little the next. Toddlers are also discovering independence, so refusing food can be a way of saying "I decide." Many also go through a cautious phase with new foods, often called fussy or picky eating.

What a day of meals might look like

Most toddlers do well with three meals and two or three small, planned snacks a day. Here is a sample day to adapt to your family's foods:

• Breakfast: porridge or pap with mashed fruit, or an egg with toast.
• Morning snack: pieces of fruit, or yoghurt.
• Lunch: rice, potato, pasta or yam with beans or fish and soft vegetables.
• Afternoon snack: bread fingers with a little nut butter, or vegetable sticks (softened) with a dip.
• Dinner: the family meal, chopped safely and with less salt and spice for your toddler, such as chicken stew with rice and greens.

Aim for a variety across the week: starchy foods, fruit and vegetables, protein foods such as beans, eggs, fish and meat, and dairy foods or alternatives. Iron-rich foods are especially important for toddlers.

A calm approach to fussy eating

A helpful way to think about mealtimes: you decide what food is offered, when and where. Your toddler decides whether to eat and how much. In practice:

1. Offer a safe food alongside a new one, something you know they usually eat.
2. Keep offering. Many toddlers need to see and taste a food many times, sometimes ten or more, before they accept it.
3. Eat together when you can. Toddlers learn by copying.
4. Do not force, bribe or punish. Pressure tends to make fussy eating worse.
5. Keep portions small. A toddler portion is much smaller than an adult's. They can always have more.
6. End the meal calmly after about 20 to 30 minutes, without a substitute meal. The next snack or meal is not far away.
7. Let them get messy. Touching and exploring food is part of learning to like it.

Drinks

• Whole cows' milk, or another milk your doctor advises, can be the main milk from one year. Breastfeeding can continue as long as you both wish.
• Too much milk can fill toddlers up and leave less room for iron-rich food. Ask your health visitor how much is right for your child.
• Water is the best drink between meals.
• Avoid fizzy drinks, sugary drinks, tea and coffee. If you give fruit juice, dilute it and only offer it with meals.
• Offer drinks in an open or free-flow cup rather than a bottle.

In some countries, vitamin drops are recommended for young children. Ask your health visitor or doctor what applies to your child.

Choking risks

• Cut grapes, cherry tomatoes and similar foods lengthways into quarters.
• Cut sausages and hot dogs lengthways, then into small pieces.
• Avoid whole nuts, popcorn, hard sweets and marshmallows.
• Always have your toddler sitting down to eat, with an adult nearby. No eating while running or in the car without supervision.

When to talk to your doctor

Speak to your health visitor or doctor if your toddler is losing weight or not growing as expected, eats only a very small range of foods, gags or vomits often with food, seems unusually tired or pale, or if mealtimes are causing you a lot of stress. Call emergency services if your child is choking and cannot cough or breathe, or has swelling of the face or breathing difficulty after eating.

Do not grow weary

Offering the same green beans for the eleventh time can feel pointless. But patient, repeated, pressure-free offering really does help most children. Paul's encouragement fits the dinner table surprisingly well:

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9, KJV)

Every calm, ordinary meal is an act of love. The harvest may be slow, but it is coming.

A prayer at the family table

Lord, thank You for the food on our table, even the food that ends up on the floor. Give me patience with my toddler's appetite and peace at mealtimes. Help our table be a place of joy, not battles. Keep us from growing weary in this small, good work. Amen.