Before, during and after a tantrum: gentle discipline for toddlers
Why toddlers have tantrums, what to do before, during and after a meltdown, how to set loving boundaries without shaming, and when to ask your doctor for support.
By PreggieLover 3 min read
The banana broke. That was it. Your toddler wanted it whole, it snapped in half, and now they are lying face-down on the supermarket floor, screaming, while a queue of strangers watches. If you have been there, take heart: tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood, and you can learn to handle them calmly.
Why tantrums happen
Between one and three, children have big feelings and very small skills for managing them. They want independence but often cannot do what they want. They understand far more than they can say. Their brains are still developing the ability to calm themselves down. Add hunger, tiredness, illness or a change of routine, and a small disappointment can become a storm.
A tantrum is not a sign that you have a "bad" child or that you are a bad parent. It is a sign of a young child overwhelmed.
Before: preventing the storm
- Watch the basics. Many tantrums come when toddlers are hungry, tired, unwell or overstimulated. Snacks and naps are powerful tools.
- Give warnings. "Two more turns on the slide, then we go home."
- Offer simple choices. "Red cup or blue cup?" gives a sense of control without changing your plan.
- Say yes where you can. Save "no" for the things that really matter, especially safety.
- Distract early. Point out a bird, start a song, or give them a job to do.
During: staying calm in the storm
- Keep your child safe. Move them away from roads, steps or hard edges if needed.
- Stay calm yourself. Take a slow breath. Your calm is the anchor your toddler cannot yet find on their own.
- Use few words. "You are cross. The banana broke. I'm here." Long explanations do not help mid-tantrum.
- Hold the boundary. If the answer is no, keep it no, kindly. Giving in teaches that tantrums work.
- Stay close. Some toddlers want a cuddle; others need a little space while you stay nearby.
Never shake, hit or smack a child. If you feel your own anger rising, make sure your toddler is safe and step back for a moment to breathe.
After: reconnecting
When the storm passes, offer a hug. Name what happened in simple words: "You were very sad. Now you feel better." Then move on without lecturing. Your child learns that big feelings are survivable and that your love does not disappear when they lose control.
Gentle discipline is still discipline
The word discipline is linked to "disciple": teaching and guiding, not punishing. With toddlers, that looks like:
- Clear, simple limits: "We don't hit. Hitting hurts."
- Showing what to do instead: "Gentle hands. Stroke the dog like this."
- Natural consequences: "If you throw the toy, I'll put it away."
- Following through, calmly and every time.
- Noticing the good: "You shared your blocks. That was kind."
- Consistency between the adults who care for your child, as far as possible.
Shame, shouting and fear may stop behaviour in the moment, but they do not teach the self-control we hope our children will grow into. Colossians 3:12 describes the clothing God's people are to wear, including kindness, meekness and longsuffering. Those qualities belong in discipline too.
When to ask for support
Talk to your health visitor or doctor if:
- Tantrums are very frequent, very long or getting worse after age two
- Your child often hurts themselves or others during tantrums
- Your child holds their breath until they turn pale or blue or briefly faint. These spells are frightening but usually harmless, and it is worth having your child checked, especially the first time
- You are worried about your child's development, sleep or speech
- You feel overwhelmed, angry, or unable to cope
Asking for parenting support is a sign of strength, not failure.
A soft answer
Perhaps the hardest part of a tantrum is managing your own response. Proverbs offers a wise word for both parent and child:
"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Proverbs 15:1, KJV)
You will not always get it right. When you do lose your temper, apologise simply to your child. That, too, teaches them how love repairs.
A prayer for a patient heart
Lord, my toddler has big feelings and sometimes so do I. Give me a soft answer when I want to shout. Help me guide my child with kindness and firmness. When I fail, help me repair quickly. Clothe me with Your patience today. Amen.
Frequently asked questions
Are tantrums normal at one and two years?
Yes. Tantrums are a normal part of development between about one and three, as toddlers have big feelings and few skills to manage them.
What should I do during a toddler tantrum?
Keep your child safe, stay calm, use few words, hold the boundary kindly and stay close. Reconnect with a hug once it has passed.
Is breath-holding during tantrums dangerous?
Breath-holding spells are frightening but usually harmless. It is worth having your child checked by a doctor, especially the first time it happens.
This article is for general information and encouragement, not medical advice. Please talk to your doctor or midwife about your own health and your baby's.
