The friend who texts no need to reply: on friendship in every season

The message arrived at 9:42 one evening: Thinking of you today. No need to reply. It was from a friend who knew it was a hard week. She did not ask for an update. She did not offer advice. She simply let me know I was not forgotten. I still remember how much it meant.

Friendship changes in the seasons of trying to conceive, pregnancy and early motherhood. Some friendships grow deeper. Some go quiet for a while. Some new ones appear in unexpected places. Here are some honest thoughts on keeping friends, finding friends and being a friend.

When your seasons do not match

One of the hardest parts of friendship in these years is when you and a close friend are in very different places. You are trying to conceive and she announces a pregnancy. You have a newborn and she is grieving a miscarriage. You are exhausted and she is out every weekend.

A few things can help:

• Be honest about where you are. I am so happy for you, and I am also finding this hard. Please be patient with me. Most good friends can hold both.
• Give permission. If you are the one with the happy news, tell a struggling friend, You do not have to come to the baby shower. I will understand, and I still love you.
• Ask, do not assume. Would you like me to talk about the baby, or would you rather I did not today?
• Remember the friendship is bigger than this season. Distance now does not have to mean distance forever.

Keeping friends when life gets small

Pregnancy sickness, appointments and newborn days can shrink your world to the size of your sofa. Friendships need tending, but they do not need grand gestures.

• Send a voice note while you walk or feed the baby.
• Invite a friend round to sit with you in your pyjamas, no tidying required.
• Share honestly about the hard bits, not just the highlights.
• Remember a date that matters to her, and send a short message.

Making new friends

Many women find their friendship circle changes in these years. You might need people who understand fertility treatment, or who also have a baby who wakes at 4am. New friendships can grow in:

• Antenatal classes or groups for parents-to-be.
• Parent and baby groups at churches, libraries or community centres.
• Support groups for infertility, pregnancy loss or particular health conditions.
• Church small groups or women's groups.

It can feel awkward to make the first move. Try a simple question: Would you like to get a coffee after this next week? Most people are relieved to be asked.

How to be a good friend in someone else's hard season

Often we hold back because we are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Here are some things that tend to help:

1. Show up practically. Drop off a meal, offer a lift, hold the baby while she showers.
2. Say the name. If a friend has lost a baby, using the baby's name, if they have one, can be a deep comfort.
3. Avoid fixing. Phrases like at least or it will happen when you relax often hurt. Try I am so sorry. I am here.
4. Keep checking in. Support often fades after the first week. A message a month later can mean the most.
5. Notice if she seems unwell. If a friend seems persistently low, anxious or not herself, gently encourage her to talk to her doctor, midwife or health visitor. If she mentions thoughts of harming herself, help her get urgent support.

A friend at all times

The book of Proverbs describes the kind of friend we all hope to have and to be:

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)

At all times. In the season of happy news and the season of silence. Through the baby shower and through the empty nursery. Some of the truest friendships are forged in exactly these years, because they have weathered hard things together.

And when friends fall short, as all of us do, there is a Friend who does not. Jesus called his disciples friends, and his love for you does not shift with your season.

A small step for this week

Think of one friend you have not heard from in a while. Send her a message today. It can be as simple as: Thinking of you. No need to reply.

A prayer for my friendships

Lord, thank you for the friends you have given me. Help me to be honest, patient and kind, especially when our seasons are different. Bring new friends where I am lonely, and make me a friend who loves at all times. Amen.