To the mum who is pregnant again after loss

Dear one,

You may not have told many people yet. Perhaps you have told no one at all. Perhaps you saw the positive test and felt joy and dread arrive in the same breath, and did not know which one to trust. If you have lost a baby before, through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or the loss of a newborn, this pregnancy carries a weight that others may not see.

I want you to know some things.

You are allowed to feel two things at once

Hope and fear are not opposites that cancel each other out. Many mums pregnant after loss describe living in both at the same time: buying nothing for weeks, then quietly stroking the bump at night. Grieving the baby you lost does not mean you love this baby less. Loving this baby does not mean you have forgotten the one before. Your heart is big enough for both.

You do not have to be brave on a schedule

People may say, Once you pass twelve weeks you can relax, or Once you feel kicks you will feel better. For some mums that is true. For many, anxiety moves from one milestone to the next. The date you lost your last baby, the scan room, even a certain smell in the hospital corridor can bring everything back. That is not a lack of faith. That is what love and memory do.

Things other mums have found helpful

• Tell your care team about your loss early. Say it plainly at your booking appointment so it is in your notes. Some clinics offer extra scans, earlier reviews or a named midwife for women pregnant after loss. You can ask what is available.
• Ask for what you need in appointments. It is fine to say, Please tell me straight away if everything looks fine, or to ask for the screen to be turned away until they have checked.
• Write your questions down. Fear can make your mind go blank in the room.
• Choose who knows. You do not owe anyone an announcement. Some mums tell a small circle early so they are not alone if things are hard.
• Mark anniversaries gently. If a due date or loss date falls during this pregnancy, plan something quiet: a walk, a candle, a few words written to your baby.
• Find people who understand. Many hospitals and charities run support groups for pregnancy after loss. Hearing someone else say me too can be deeply healing.

When to call, without apologising

You will never be a nuisance for checking. Contact your midwife or maternity unit straight away if you have any bleeding, strong or one-sided pain, a gush or trickle of fluid, a severe headache with blurred vision, or, later in pregnancy, if your baby's movements slow down, change or stop. Do not wait until the next day and do not rely on home heart monitors to reassure yourself.

And please speak up about your mind as well as your body. If anxiety, flashbacks or low mood are taking over, tell your midwife or doctor. Support for your mental health after loss is not a luxury; it is care you deserve.

About God, and about your questions

You may have prayed hard last time. You may be afraid to pray now in case it does not make a difference, or angry, or simply numb. God is not offended by your questions. The Psalms are full of honest, raw prayers, and they are in the Bible on purpose.

No one can promise you how this pregnancy will unfold, and I will not pretend to. What can be said is this: you are not alone, your lost baby is not forgotten, and God is close to the brokenhearted.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Binding a wound is slow, careful work. It is done gently, layer by layer, and it is done up close. That is the picture here: not a God who rushes you past your grief, but one who kneels beside it.

One small thing for today

If you can, put your hand on your bump, or simply on your heart, and say your babies' names, or whatever you call them, out loud or in a whisper. Then say: Today I am pregnant, and today I am loved. That is enough for today. Tomorrow can be faced tomorrow.

With love, from all of us who are walking this road beside you.

A prayer for a heart that remembers

Lord, you know the baby I lost and the baby I carry now. Hold my grief and my hope together in your hands. When fear grips me, help me to reach for you and for the people you have given me. Bind up my heart gently, one day at a time. Amen.