Dear body: a thank-you letter after birth

The bathroom mirror at 3am is not a fair judge. The light is harsh, your nightie has a milk stain on the shoulder, your tummy is soft in a way it never used to be, and there is a dark line running down the middle of it that nobody warned you about. In that moment it is very easy to say unkind things to yourself. So this article does something a little different. Instead of a list of ways to "get your body back", it is a letter you can borrow, a way of speaking to the body that has just done something extraordinary.

A letter you can read to yourself

Dear body,

I owe you an apology for some of the things I have said about you this week. You grew a whole person. You made a heart, two lungs and ten tiny fingernails without me even knowing how. You stretched, you made room, you laboured or you were opened, and then you started healing straight away without being asked.

You are still bleeding a little, still sore, still tired. Your breasts are doing their own complicated work. Your hips feel different and your belly is not where it was. I am learning that none of this is failure. It is evidence.

I am going to try to feed you, rest you and speak kindly to you. I am not going to rush you. Thank you.

It may feel silly to read that out loud. Try it anyway, perhaps while your baby sleeps on your chest. The words we say to ourselves become the atmosphere we live in.

What is normal in the first months

Much of what you see in the mirror is your body doing exactly what it should. It can help to know what is expected:

• A soft, rounded tummy. Your womb takes around six weeks to shrink back down, and the skin and muscles over it take longer. Many mums still look a few months pregnant for weeks after birth.
• Stretch marks. These often look darker or redder at first and usually fade to paler, silvery lines over many months.
• The linea nigra. That dark line down your tummy, and darker patches on the face, usually fade gradually after birth.
• Bigger, heavier breasts that change size through the day if you are breastfeeding.
• Night sweats and swollen feet in the first week or two as your body clears extra fluid.

Call your midwife or doctor if something does not feel right: heavy bleeding or large clots, a wound that is hot, red or oozing, a painful, swollen calf, a fever, or a red and painful patch on your breast with flu-like feelings. Kindness to your body includes taking these signs seriously.

Small habits that change the conversation

Swap the words

Notice the phrases you use. "My wrecked tummy" can become "my healing tummy". "I have let myself go" can become "I am in a season of giving". It is not pretending. It is choosing the truer sentence.

Wear clothes that fit today

Squeezing into pre-pregnancy jeans is a daily reminder of what has changed. Put them in a box for now. Two or three soft, comfortable outfits that fit the body you have this month will do more for your mood than any amount of willpower.

Mute the comparison

If certain accounts on your phone leave you feeling worse about yourself, it is perfectly fine to unfollow or mute them for a season. Celebrity "bounce back" photos rarely show the help, the lighting or the editing behind them.

Thank one part a day

Each morning, name one thing your body did: the arms that rocked a crying baby at 2am, the legs that carried you to the kitchen, the shoulder your little one fell asleep on. It sounds small. Over weeks, it rewires how you see yourself.

What God sees when He looks at you

The psalmist wrote words that fit a new mum perfectly: "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." (Psalm 139:14). That was true of you before your pregnancy and it is just as true today, stretch marks and all.

When Samuel was choosing a king, God reminded him that "man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7). The world may notice your waistline. Your Father notices the heart that is pouring itself out in love every single night.

If your feelings about your body are becoming very heavy, if you feel disgust, hopelessness or cannot stop thinking about it, please tell your midwife, health visitor or doctor. Struggles with body image after birth are common and can be linked with postnatal depression or anxiety, and there is real help available.

A prayer for the mirror

Father, thank You for this body that carried life. When I look in the mirror and feel disappointed, help me to see what You see. Teach me to rest, to eat, to heal and to speak kindly to myself, because I am Yours. Amen.