When birth was frightening: making sense of birth trauma

People keep asking how the birth went, and you don't know what to say. Perhaps it was long and frightening. Perhaps there was an emergency, a rush of people, a moment when you feared for your life or your baby's. Perhaps, on paper, everything was fine, but you felt unheard, powerless or alone. Birth can be traumatic in many ways, and it is your experience, not the medical notes, that decides how it felt.

What birth trauma can look like

After a difficult birth, many mums notice some of these:

• replaying the birth over and over, or having flashbacks and nightmares
• feeling panicky when something reminds you of it, such as a hospital smell, a siren or a scene on television
• avoiding talking about the birth, or not being able to stop talking about it
• feeling numb, detached or constantly on high alert
• anger at yourself, your care team or God
• difficulty bonding, or guilt for not feeling what you expected
• dread at the thought of another pregnancy

For some mums these feelings ease over the first weeks. For others they persist, and this can develop into post-traumatic stress, which is recognised and treatable. Partners who witnessed a frightening birth can be affected too.

Small things that help

• Name it. Saying that was traumatic for me is not ungrateful, even if you and your baby are well now.
• Tell it, when you're ready. Some mums find it helps to write their birth story, or tell it to one safe person, without being corrected or hurried.
• Fill the gaps. If parts of the birth are a blur, ask whether you can go through your notes with a midwife or doctor. Many hospitals offer a service for this, so ask your midwife or clinic.
• Look after the basics. Sleep, food and company give your nervous system a chance to settle.
• Ground yourself in the moment. When a memory sweeps in, notice five things you can see, feel your feet on the floor, and breathe out slowly.
• Guard what you take in. It is fine to skip birth programmes, scroll past birth stories online, or ask friends not to share theirs for now.

When to ask for more help

Talk to your doctor, midwife or health visitor if flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance or anxiety are still strong after a month, are getting worse, or are making it hard to care for yourself or your baby. Trauma-focused talking therapies can help a great deal, and you do not need to wait until things are unbearable. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, or feel you can't go on, seek help the same day.

If someone close to you wants to help

Family and friends often don't know what to say after a hard birth. It can help to tell them plainly: I don't need you to fix it or to remind me that the baby is healthy. I need you to listen, and to help me rest. If your husband or partner was there, gently ask how they are too; you may each be carrying different pieces of the same day.

If you are angry with God

Some mums carry a quiet question after a hard birth: where was God? If that is you, you don't have to hide it. The psalms are full of honest complaint. Lament is a form of faith, not the absence of it. You can bring your anger, confusion and fear to God, and he is big enough to hold all of it.

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? (Psalm 56:8, KJV)

Not one tear from that delivery room went unseen. Isaiah 43:2 speaks of God being with his people when they pass through deep waters and through fire. It does not promise that we will never go through them, but it promises that we will not go through them alone, and that they will not have the final word.

A prayer for a hard birth story

Lord, you were there when I felt most afraid, even when I couldn't feel you. Gather up the tears I cried that day and the ones I am still crying. Heal the memories that wake me at night, and lead me to the people who can help me. Amen.