What to say to grandparents and visitors (kindly) in the first year

"In my day, we just put the baby on their tummy and they slept beautifully." "Why are you feeding again? She can't be hungry." "We'll pop round on Saturday, around lunchtime, with your uncles." Grandparents and visitors can be a wonderful blessing in the first year. They can also be a source of stress, especially when advice has changed since they raised children, or when you are too tired to host anyone.

Having a few kind phrases ready can make all the difference. Here are some scripts for common situations. Adjust them to your own voice and culture.

When advice is out of date

Many things about baby care have changed over the years as we have learned more. Grandparents usually mean well. They want to help and they want to feel their experience still counts.

• On sleep: "I know lots of babies slept on their fronts back then. Our midwife told us the safest way now is on their back in a clear cot, so we're sticking to that."
• On feeding: "Thank you for thinking of her. The health visitor said babies this age feed often, so we're following her lead."
• On early foods or drinks: "We've been advised to wait until around six months for solid food, and no honey before one, so we'll stick to milk for now."
• On remedies: "Thank you. We're going to check with the doctor before we give her anything."

Blaming the professionals kindly ("the midwife said...") often keeps the peace better than "You're wrong."

When visitors want to come

• "We'd love to see you. Could we say 3pm for an hour? That fits around her nap."
• "This week is hard for us. Can we plan a visit for next week instead?"
• "If you're coming, would you mind bringing some food? That would be such a help."
• "Please don't wait for me to make tea. Help yourself to the kettle!"

Protecting your baby's health

Young babies are vulnerable to infections. It is perfectly reasonable to ask that:

• Everyone washes their hands before holding the baby.
• Anyone with a cold, cough, sickness bug or cold sore waits until they are better, and that nobody kisses the baby's face.
• Nobody smokes around the baby, and smokers change their top and wash their hands before cuddles.

A simple script: "We're being careful because she's so little. Would you mind washing your hands first? And we're asking everyone not to kiss her face for now."

When a mother or mother-in-law comes to stay

In many families, especially across Nigeria and West Africa, a grandmother comes to stay after the birth to care for mother and baby. This tradition, sometimes called omugwo, can be a precious gift of rest, food and wisdom. It can also bring tension if expectations are not clear.

It helps to talk early, ideally before she arrives or in the first day or two. Talk about what would help most, such as cooking, washing or letting you sleep, and where you would like to make your own choices, such as safe sleep or how you feed. Say thank you often. If you have a husband, he can be a great help here, especially with his own mother.

When you need to hold a boundary

Sometimes you need to be firmer. Try to stay calm and short. "I know you love her. This is our decision, and we'd like you to respect it." Then change the subject. Proverbs gives timeless advice: "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Proverbs 15:1). A gentle tone does not mean giving way. It means holding your ground without burning the bridge.

If a relative's behaviour is upsetting, controlling or makes you feel unsafe, you do not have to tolerate it to keep the peace. Talk to someone you trust, and to your health visitor or doctor if it is affecting your wellbeing.

The gift of grandparents

For all the tricky moments, grandparents bring something irreplaceable: love, history and faith passed down. The psalmist celebrated this: "One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts." (Psalm 145:4). Invite them to tell your child stories of God's faithfulness in your family. Ask them to pray for your baby. Let them sing the old songs.

A prayer for our wider family

Lord, thank You for the grandparents and family who love my child. Give me wisdom to know when to receive their help and when to hold my ground, and grace to speak gently. Let the generations in our family praise You together. Amen.