When big brother meets the baby: helping siblings adjust

Kemi's three-year-old son was thrilled about the baby for exactly two days. On the third day he asked, quite seriously, when the baby was going back to the hospital. By the end of the week he was asking for a bottle, refusing the potty and hitting the Moses basket when nobody was looking. Kemi felt like she was failing both her children at once.

She was not. She was watching a small child try to make sense of an enormous change. Becoming a big brother or sister is a big deal, and most children need time and help to find their place in a family that has suddenly grown.

What is normal

Older children may react in all sorts of ways in the months after a new baby arrives:

• Going backwards in skills, like toileting, sleeping or wanting to be carried.
• More tantrums, clinginess or tearfulness.
• Rough play with the baby, or saying they do not love them.
• Seeming not to care at all.
• Being extra "helpful" in a way that is actually tiring.

Most of this settles with patience, routine and lots of reassurance. If behaviour is very extreme, or still worrying you after several months, talk to your health visitor or doctor.

Ways to help

Protect their special time

Ten to fifteen minutes a day of one-to-one time with a parent, with the baby asleep or with someone else, can make a huge difference. Let your older child choose what you do. Call it their special time, and keep it even on hard days.

Give them a real job

Children love to feel useful. They can fetch a nappy, choose the baby's vest, sing to the baby or "read" a story to them. Praise the helping, not just the behaviour: "You are such a kind big sister."

Name their feelings

When they are cross or sad, try: "It is hard sharing Mummy with the baby, isn't it? You can be cross, but we do not hit. Let's stamp our feet instead." Children cope better when their feelings are named and allowed, even while behaviour has limits.

Make feeds a together time

Keep a basket of special books, stickers or a snack that only comes out during feeds. Your older child can snuggle beside you while you feed the baby, rather than feeling shut out.

Ask visitors to greet them first

Many visitors rush past the big sibling to see the baby. A gentle word beforehand, "Could you say hello to Tobi first?", helps your older child feel seen.

Keeping the baby safe

Young children love babies but do not understand their own strength. Some important safety habits:

• Never leave a baby alone with a young sibling, even for a moment.
• Older children should only hold the baby while sitting down, with an adult right beside them.
• Keep small toys, such as building bricks, marbles, beads and toy parts, away from the baby, as they are choking hazards. A separate play space or tidy-up box for big-kid toys helps.
• Teach "gentle hands" by showing, not just telling: stroking the baby's foot softly together.
• Check the cot is clear of toys an older sibling may have "kindly" put in for the baby. Safe sleep means a clear cot, baby on their back.

Building love between them

Siblings' relationships take years to grow, and there will be squabbles along the way. But small things in the early months plant good seeds. Talk to the baby about their big brother or sister: "Look, here comes your sister. She loves you." Point out when the baby watches or smiles at their sibling. Pray for them together at bedtime.

The psalmist wrote, "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!" (Psalm 133:1). Unity in a family does not happen overnight. It grows slowly, through thousands of small moments of kindness, patience and forgiveness, many of them modelled by tired parents.

And for you

Caring for a newborn and an older child at once is exhausting. You may feel guilty that you cannot give either child enough. That guilt is understandable, but it is not the truth. Your children are learning that love multiplies rather than divides. Accept help, lower your standards for the house, and be gentle with yourself.

A prayer for my children together

Father, thank You for each of my children. Help my older child feel secure and loved as our family grows. Knit their hearts together, give me patience on hard days and fill our home with kindness. Amen.