Pregnant and single: drawing your circle of care
Expecting a baby on your own? A practical exercise for mapping your support circle, from birth partner to meal rota, plus encouragement that you are not alone.
By PreggieLover 4 min read
Maybe you are single by choice, or your relationship ended, or your partner is far away, or you have been widowed. Maybe you are carrying this baby with a brave face and a quiet fear about who will be there at 3am. Whatever your story, you deserve support, and you deserve it without shame.
This article is a practical exercise. Grab a piece of paper and draw four circles, one inside the other, like the rings of a tree. We will fill them in together.
Circle one: your inner circle
These are the one to three people you could call at any hour. They know your real feelings, not just your social-media self.
Ask yourself: Who could be my birth partner? Who would I call if I were frightened at night? Who could stay with me for the first few days after the birth?
It might be your mother, a sister, a best friend or a cousin. If no name comes to mind straight away, that is all right. Keep reading; this circle can grow.
Next step: Ask one person directly, Would you be my birth partner? or Could you be my emergency contact? People often want to help but do not know how.
Circle two: your practical helpers
These are people who can do specific tasks: lifts to appointments, assembling a cot, bringing a meal, picking up shopping, sitting with the baby while you shower or sleep.
Ask yourself: Who has offered help before? Who is good at practical things? Who lives nearby?
Next step: Write a list of tasks you will need help with and match names to them. When someone says, Let me know if I can do anything, you can reply with something specific: Could you bring a meal in the week after the birth?
Circle three: your care team
These are the professionals whose job is to support you: your midwife, doctor, health visitor once your baby is born, and any specialist services.
- Tell your midwife your situation at booking. They may be able to connect you with extra support, local groups or services for single parents.
- Ask about antenatal classes. You do not need a partner to attend, and you can bring a friend or family member if you like.
- Ask for help with money worries. Many areas have advice services for benefits, maternity pay or housing; your midwife or clinic may know where to start.
- Know your warning signs. Call your maternity unit straight away for bleeding, waters breaking, severe pain, a bad headache with vision changes or reduced baby movements. Save the number in your phone and give it to your inner circle.
- Be honest about your mood. Feeling lonely, low or anxious is understandable. If it lasts or overwhelms you, tell your midwife or doctor; support is available.
Circle four: your wider community
This is church family, neighbours, colleagues, other mums at groups, online communities with kind people.
Ask yourself: Where could I meet other mums? Is there a parent and baby group at a local church or community centre? Is there someone at church I could tell about my pregnancy?
Many churches have people who would love to help with meals, prayer or a listening ear. Letting your church family know can open doors you did not expect.
What God says about the solitary
There is a beautiful line in the Psalms about how God places lonely people in community:
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. (Psalm 68:6)
Family in God's eyes is wider than marriage or blood. It includes the friend who sits with you in labour, the neighbour who brings soup and the older woman at church who prays for you every week.
And the call to carry one another is for everyone in that circle:
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
Letting people help you is not a failure of independence. It gives them the chance to love you the way God intended.
Look at your map
Now look at your four circles. Some may be full; some may be nearly empty. Choose one small step for this week: one message to send, one group to try, one question to ask your midwife. A circle of care is built one name at a time.
A prayer for a mum on her own
Lord, some days I feel very alone. Thank you that you see me and this baby. Set me in a family of people who will love and help us, give me courage to ask, and be my strength in the night. Amen.
Frequently asked questions
Who can be my birth partner if I am single?
Anyone you trust can be your birth partner: a parent, sister, friend or cousin. Ask them directly and let your midwife know who it will be.
Where can single mums-to-be find support?
Start with your midwife, who may know local groups and services. Churches, community centres, parent and baby groups and trusted friends can also become part of your support circle.
This article is for general information and encouragement, not medical advice. Please talk to your doctor or midwife about your own health and your baby's.
