Preparing older children for a new baby, age by age

Is the baby coming out of your tummy tonight? asked one three-year-old, every single night, for five months. Older children respond to a new sibling in all sorts of ways: excitement, worry, indifference, jealousy and endless questions. Preparing them well does not mean they will never struggle, but it helps them feel safe, loved and part of the story.

Here is a guide by age, followed by some ideas that work for every child.

Toddlers (around 1 to 3 years)

Very young children have little sense of time, so months of waiting can be confusing. They understand what they can see and touch.

• Tell them later rather than earlier, perhaps once your bump is showing, and link the timing to something they understand: The baby will come when it is warm and sunny.
• Use picture books about new babies and big brothers and sisters.
• Play with a doll to practise gentle touch, nappy changes and quiet voices.
• Make big changes early. If your toddler is moving to a bed or starting nursery, try to do it well before the birth so it does not feel like the baby pushed them out.

Pre-school and early primary (around 3 to 7 years)

Children this age love to help and love to ask questions, often very direct ones.

• Answer questions simply and honestly. You do not need to give every detail. The baby is growing in a special place inside me called the womb is often enough.
• Give them jobs. Choosing a baby vest, putting nappies in a basket, drawing a picture for the baby's room.
• Talk about what babies are really like. Newborns cry, sleep and feed a lot, and cannot play straight away. This helps avoid disappointment.
• Reassure them often. When the baby comes, I will still love you just as much. Love does not run out.

Older children (around 7 to 12 years)

Older children understand more, and may have mixed feelings they do not say aloud.

• Include them in conversations about names, the baby's room and plans for the birth.
• Ask about feelings directly. Some big sisters feel excited and a bit worried at the same time. How about you?
• Protect their routines. Clubs, friends and one-to-one time with you matter more than ever.
• Explain how pregnancy affects you if you are tired or unwell, so they do not worry or feel ignored.

Teenagers

Teenagers may feel embarrassed, delighted, protective or a little resentful, sometimes all in one week.

• Tell them early and privately, before wider family or friends, so they do not hear it second-hand.
• Respect their independence. Invite, rather than expect, their help.
• Keep doing things together that are just about them.
• Be careful not to make them a second parent. Some help is lovely; too much responsibility can breed resentment.

Ideas for every age

1. Plan where they will be during the birth. Arrange two or three trusted people who can look after them, in case labour starts at night or early. Tell your children the plan so they are not frightened.
2. A gift from the baby. Many families give the older child a small present from the new baby.
3. Let them meet the baby first, if possible, before a stream of visitors.
4. Expect some regression. Toilet accidents, baby talk or clinginess are common and usually pass with patience and extra cuddles.
5. Talk about safety early. Explain that babies sleep on their backs in their own clear cot, that small toys can be a choking danger for the baby, and that they must always ask a grown-up before picking the baby up.

Praying together for the baby

Children often love to pray for a new brother or sister. Keep it short and concrete: Thank you for the baby. Help the baby grow. Help Mummy feel well. You might also read together how Jesus welcomed children when others tried to send them away:

And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. (Mark 10:16)

That picture belongs to your older children too. As the family grows, they are not pushed aside. They are held and blessed, just as the new baby will be.

And look after yourself

Caring for children while pregnant is tiring. Accept help with school runs, meals and bedtimes where you can. And if you notice warning signs in your pregnancy, such as bleeding, severe pain or reduced baby movements later on, call your midwife or maternity unit straight away, even with children at your feet.

A prayer for our growing family

Lord, thank you for each of my children. Help my older ones to feel secure and treasured as our family grows. Give me patience and energy, and let love multiply in our home. Amen.