Surviving broken nights: a toolkit for the first months

By the third wake-up of the night, the house feels like another planet. The clock says 3.47, your eyes feel full of sand, and the thought of doing this again tomorrow is too much to hold. Broken sleep is one of the hardest parts of the first year, and it is not a sign that you are doing anything wrong. Newborns need to feed often, day and night, and their sleep patterns take months to mature. You can't change that, but you can make the nights a little gentler and protect your own rest where possible.

Before bed: set up for the night

• Prepare a night station. Nappies, wipes, a change of baby clothes, muslins, and water and a snack for you, all within reach.
• Keep lighting low. A dim night light lets you see without waking everyone fully.
• If you bottle feed, have clean, sterilised bottles ready and follow the pack instructions for making up feeds safely.
• Go to bed early, even if only one or two nights a week. The first part of the night is often your longest chance of sleep.

During the night: keep it calm and boring

• Keep feeds and changes quiet and low-key, saving play and chatter for the daytime. Over time this helps your baby learn the difference between day and night.
• Change the nappy only if needed, so your baby doesn't fully wake.
• Avoid scrolling between feeds. The light and the content keep your brain alert. Try an audio Bible, a short prayer or a calming playlist instead.
• Once the feed is finished, put your baby down on her back in her own cot or Moses basket, in your room, with no pillows, bumpers or loose blankets.

A word on falling asleep with your baby

Night feeds are when exhausted parents are most likely to doze off holding the baby. Falling asleep with a baby on a sofa or armchair is especially dangerous, so if you feel very sleepy, don't feed on the sofa; feed in bed instead, with pillows and duvets kept well away from the baby. Ask your midwife or health visitor about safer sleep and what to do if you think you might fall asleep while feeding.

During the day: pay back the debt

• Sleep when you can, even for twenty minutes. A short rest in a dark room still helps.
• Get outside in daylight. Morning light and a short walk can lift your energy and help your body clock.
• Eat regularly. Tiredness makes you forget food, and too little food makes tiredness worse. Keep easy snacks around: fruit, nuts, yoghurt, bread, boiled eggs.
• Lower the bar. Clean enough is clean enough. A takeaway is dinner. The washing can wait.
• Watch the caffeine. A morning cup of tea or coffee suits many mums, but too much later in the day can make it harder to fall asleep when you finally get the chance.

Kind thoughts for hard nights

At 3am, your mind may tell you that this will never end, that other mums cope better, that you are failing. Answer back gently. This is a season. My baby is not doing this to me; she is just being a baby. I am doing important work in the dark. Many mums find it helps to remember that countless other mothers around the world are awake at the same hour, doing exactly the same thing.

When to ask for help

Tell your health visitor or doctor if you can't sleep even when you have the chance, if tiredness is affecting your safety, for example nodding off while driving, or if low mood or anxiety is growing. Seek urgent help if you ever feel unable to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby.

He gives his beloved sleep

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2, KJV)

This verse is not a scolding for mothers who are up all night; you have no choice right now. It is a reminder that sleep is a gift God loves to give, and that our worth is not measured by how much we can push through. So take every bit of rest you're offered, without guilt. It is grace.

A prayer for tonight

Lord, the nights are long and my body is tired. Meet me at every wake-up. Give me sleep in the gaps, patience in the dark and strength for tomorrow. Thank you that you are awake when I am, and that I am your beloved. Amen.